When i was younger i used to think how my parents had very few friends who seemed to stay around long enough. As until now, i know that my mom has not more than 2 close friends who are colleague from work. They sometimes go out, but to run errands for festive reasons and other times, to have fun in the name of work when they have to travel to different district. But they seem oddly in a mature state of friendship which are barely touched in emotional level (i suppose).

As i was growing up, i found it difficult to make friends. I was shy and i was changing school quiet often. Not until year 2 i was able to make friends which was only possible because we stopped changing school. After the completion of middle school i ended up with 2 friends who stuck with me and was always in touch. Distance was a problem but talking on phone or chatting was the way we stayed connected. After heading to different high schools, we faded but still in touch where their hello sounded like home to me.

Then after i could not make any friends who would stick around too long. Until class ended, until home works existed, until exams existed, they were there and then they disappeared. I could not understand it well enough but it felt like i was lonely again. It was not until i decided to have an abroad study that i felt the loneliest. There was no one i knew there.  But then i met people and it seemed like i would be fine. Year after year we made memories, we changed, we learned each other’s flaws, learned to appreciate it, adjust with it and go on. For once, i thought i had friends for life.

One way or the other, it hit me. I came to understand that not everyone genuinely wants to be your friend. Not everyone will think of your well being as you do of them. Now i understand why adult have very few friends and why most of them are superficial relationship. Now i know why not every adult trusts any stranger in the first meeting. Its because they have been stabbed by someone they have trusted and abandoned after their motive has been met.

I remember asking her why she did not have many friends to which she answered, ‘ You’ll know when you are older’. And now i do.

Because who is a friend if they are never there when you are at your worse and is always there when u are at your best. Who is to be called a friend who does not even ask if your family is in difficult situation or support you if you need someone to lean on. Why would you even make a friend that would only be there in your happiest time and leave you to cry alone. Even stranger are willing to lend a shoulder if they see you cry.

We start losing friends as we grow up because we learn why they were knocking on the door in the first place. We learn that heart does not always break because of love, it also breaks because of friendship.


No Reason

I would not call it insomnia, but some nights i just cannot sleep. I would be turning from side to side or checking my news feed, playing soothing music to fall asleep and it would not help at all. I would just end up listening to the piano music feeling awful for no reason. There is just nothing to worry about, nothing to reflect on, nothing that would take you back to bad times, there is no particular reason to trigger the feeling of despair. however, I am just awake. Then i realise the silence in the room and how loud the dripping of tap in kitchen sink actually is and how loud the pedestrian sign is at 4 o’clock in the morning that is literally 200 m away which you don’t even hear during the daytime.

I just have to reassure myself to sleep as it is so inappropriate to wake anyone at 4 to say that you just can’t sleep for no reason. Especially when they will be waking up after 1.5 hours to go to work while you stare at the ceiling hoping to fall asleep. With depression there also comes a package of sleepless night with cry until you fall asleep solution. As much as it sounds hilarious to think about how i have put it, it is not much fun when you do not know the reason behind it. I think it is better to know what has worried you for sleepless night then pondering yourself to sleepless night. At least you can fall asleep after you express it to someone. But meaningless sleeplessness is as annoying as unhealthy it already are.

Breaking the Curse

When i first realised that it was more than sadness, i always assumed that some prince in a shiny armour will come and rescue me from this misery that did not seem to make any sense. I always imagined myself in an abandoned castle under the spell, unable to leave it and felt like damsel in distress who needed a ‘Man’ to rescue her from the curse. Perhaps watching too much Disney made me think that true love would break the curse of the depression where true love only meant romance.

As the time passed by, i came to realise love for someone who had always been around. I was so lost in my world that i could not see him. Everything seemed perfect but soon i realised that true love does not break the curse that you brought upon yourself. The only one who can truly overcome the curse is you-yourself and none of the men, women and children can ever uplift it but they can give you light to fight and figure out the way to do so. And he did exactly the same for me. He gave me a light, to make me realise that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

In my experience i have also come to know that there are very few people who would actually have patience until the episodes of disasters in your head calms down. Most of them tend to support you on their own beliefs thinking that you are just not trying hard enough and giving in too easily. They suggest what you should act like to feel normal and how they faced the depression too; where depression they describe are mere stressful situations while you attempt to kill yourself in yours.

Then and there i learned to keep my mouth shut, close all the doors and windows to my disastrous feelings and learned to walk with smile even if it hurt like nothing you have ever sensed. Then only i learned that not everyone is like that someone who would actually take your pain as theirs and support you through. Then only I realised that the weapon to negotiate and destroy the depression is  within you. You are only one who can save yourself.

Planning deadlines

Here is a silly thing about depression that often happens to me. It always make time to ruin my deadlines for plans created by none other than myself. It is so thoughtful that it visits me on the very day before my plan and is determined to stay until and after the planned day is over. This results in rainy day-in brain while it is nice sunny the whole day. You end up unable to enjoy the day, or even chat with friends as usual.

Basically you are tagged with depression for the rest of the day that drags you around telling you about your wrong decisions, regrets and what could go wrong after the planned trips. It also makes sure you remember that your friends and family think you are insane, that depression does not exist and you are just making excuses. It makes sure you do not enjoy the day at all.

I have always wondered why does this happen. Maybe being an introvert, social commitments terrifies me. Maybe unconsciously, i believe that i do not deserve to be happy and depressed me is real me. Maybe it is trick of depression to fill bag of guilt and regret and to reel me into the cycle again.

Out of the wind

Depression for me is like a Dementor character from Harry potter that sucks the life out of you. It lurks in the darkness and loves to eat your soul, make you hollow. Half the time it is invisible and other times it haunts you like you are insane. Like in Harry potter, muggles are unable to see Dementor and so are other people who deny the existence of Depression and anxiety issue.

How would you describe it when you are being taken away from reality. How can you open up like your doctor, you psychiatric and your close ones say- Open up!! we are here to listen when it is chocking you from inside. How can you express how you feel when it has taken away your voice and turned your world into sudden shade of utter despair like you just lost your loved one?

I sit down to do my assignment in full mental state of confidence and normal mentality when it strikes out of the wind. It gets me. It strips me down naked taking away my confidence, my concentration, my interest, my voice, my comfort and my self-worthiness. What it leaves behind is old ragged cloths i often used to be in,that is covered in sadness, grieve, self-loathing, disgrace, withdrawal and loneliness.

Then often I find myself stuck in the cold dark room which soon follows with sleeping more than usual and not eating for days because you do not feel hungry. There is no such thing as hunger or thirst or even food when the Dementor is whispering all the failures you’ve faced and all the hurdles that you could not over come. Then there comes a stage following which i call hollowness because you feel nothing. no emotion, no feeling. nothing at all.

I obviously end up screwing the assignment but then i find bunch of people so called close ones questioning me, how can i fail an assignment when i was giving it so much time. The guilt rushes in and the chain carries on. That is how without any notice, without any hint,  without even a choice does Depression strike. That is why  it is unpredictable and most of the time, there is no reason for it to appear but it does.



12” Plait

In year 2016, I set my mind to do something that I had wanted to do for a long time but I did not have courage to do it just yet. One day I had had enough. I collected all my bits and pieces of scattered confidence as well as courage and decided to do it without fear.

Well I had quiet long hair but I was always hesitant to cut it off for goodness sake. I always had an excuse for not cutting it off. First few months, excuses were; it was not long enough, followed by; it was too dry and rough, concluded by; split ends and shameful exaggerated imaginative experience at the hair dresser.

Then after it was long enough and well-trimmed, the next excuse was unfamiliar hair dresser with risk of cutting hair that would result in embarrassment. When I finally found a cheap hair salon with satisfying reviews and recommendation from peer, I finally decided to have the hair-cut. I was nervous but I was ready-whole heartedly. Then I found out that I had to book an appointment! I was really surprised that I had to book and appointment, just to cut my hair which never happened back in my home country. We only booked appointment with people who were in higher position like ministers or it had to be specialised doctor.  I was quite fascinated to the fact they were using this concept at a salon.

Being astounded I did book for the very next day. I was so anxious that hair dresser would make a comment on my hair, I washed it extra nice, dried it in cool open air, combed it well and I went to the hair dresser at 2pm in the afternoon as per the appointment. But I had to wait 30 minutes for my turn anyway. I told the hair dresser that I wanted to donate my hair. And so, she measured my hair with her comb, tired it up in a ponytail and I heard her scissors go through my hair. I had a sinking feeling in my heart followed by happiness that my hair could be useful for someone else, who needed it the most, so I thought.

She trimmed it a bit here and there and I was done. I ran my finger through my hair and not even started that I could feel it end. I felt quite troubled with my new look but I felt happy inside. I was excited to donate it. I came home with a bag of my hair and looked at it and just smiled. I looked up online and I could not decide how to and where to should I send it. I decided to let it be on the very day I cut my hair and I procrastinated the charity option day.

Then, depression happened. I still do not understand what triggered it but I had mood swings and my happiness had already turned into anxiety and fear had taken over me. I could not decide what to do with the plait of hair I had in my drawer. Depression just turned my longing act of kindness into something of regret. It still haunts me in a way that I could not send it off which could have been a wig for someone in need. This still makes me sad and makes me loath myself for letting fear conquer me once again. I still have it in my wardrobe all well and I do not know if it is still worth the shipment. The regret, guilt and lack of self-confidence proved me wrong once again and had stopped me from being me.

But I do know that it is never too late to turn my life around and realise that those little regrets do not have anything on me. I still believe that there is light at the end of dark tunnel. And I also know that only I can save myself from this terrible feeling.

Stress is contagious

We often stress about a lot of things in our life. But do we ever think that stress is contagious? It often goes unnoticed, especially when we are the ones who is stressing out. But what about the people who are around us, do you think it is going easy for them? No. you stressing out, stress them out-probably not the amount you are stressing out to, but they do. What do they have to stress about? Well…the answer is ‘you’ of course. And the answer to that why…you probably know already, because they love you.

No one gets this contagious disease unless there is a condition called as love in the relation. Then we are all equally affected by this situation in hand where one of us is the host. Remember when your mother used to get all anxious and worried over your failure in class or when you got sick, or when you go miles away from home and express your bad experience of the day/week…well, they might be far more stressed about you than you are of the situation. That’s how it all starts…love.

Stress is daily life problem, it only makes us resilient in future. As easier it is said than felt, we must not forget that our action out of the situation we are in, can affect someone else and result in unknown and unpredictable situation for them. Since stress is not something that goes away instantly, we should also understand that there is always someone who is ready to listen because they love you. Although, it is not easy to open to someone as regrets and guilt play equal role to provoke ego, trust upon that individual will reassure to make you realise that you are not alone.

We must also understand that stressing out on the situation out of hand is futile. Nothing good comes out of you stressing out over a matter out of hand. While you deprive yourself of sleep, food and good thoughts, you are causing harm not only to yourself but also to the one who loves you. You might be pacing up and down the hall thousands of times, tapping on the table uncountable times, groaning and cringing like any cranky old man but what about people who love you watch you change your behaviour in odd way possible? Next, they will be the one pacing up and down the corridor and feeling restless all night, thinking about you. You might be stressed about some matter that gives you anxiety but you will be the reason for someone else’s anxiety. And so, it spreads further.

But we cannot also ‘UN’-stress when it comes to giving someone else hard time. Just a simple appreciation of their existence and stand, when you felt awful will be just fine. If you are not ready to share your stressful situation, let them know you acknowledge them to be just their but you are not ready to share it just yet. They will be more than happy to wait. All because they love you.

Stress is contagious…especially when you are around your loved ones. You may not realise but let them know that you know, they will always be there if you need to talk.